TRY NOT TO LAUGH!

1000 HILARIOUS JOKES FOR ALL AGES

By Samuel Walsh

Animal Jokes

Why don't oysters donate to charity? Because they're shel fish!

What do you cal a fish with no eyes? Fsh!

Why did the chicken join a band? Because it had the drumsticks!

How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut!

Why did the cow go to outer space? To see the moooon!

What do you cal a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!

Why don't seagul s fly over the bay? Because then they'd be bagels!

What do you cal a sleeping bul ? A bul dozer!

Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad away!

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a dog? Frostbite!

Why don't elephants use computers? They're afraid of the mouse!

How do you organize a space party? You planet!

What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner's on me!

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!

How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!

What do you cal cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese!

Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted!

What do you cal a bear with no ears? B!

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole-in-one!

What did one toilet say to the other toilet? You look flushed!

Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts!

How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!

What do you cal a pile of cats? A meowtain!

Why did the bicycle fal over? Because it was two-tired!

What do you cal fake spaghetti? An impasta!

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!

Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems!

Why was the broom late? It swept in!

Why did the leopard go to school? To learn his spots!

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

Frostbite!

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired!

Hal oween Jokes

Why did the Headless Horseman go to school? He wanted to get a-head in life.

Why do witches wear name tags? To tel which witch is which.

What did the ghost say when it fel down? I got a boo-boo.

What kind of rocks do ghosts col ect? Tombstones.

Did you hear about the zombie that took a nap? It was dead tired.

When do cows turn into werewolves? During the ful moooooon.

Did you hear about the crazy vampire? He was total y batty.

Where do ghosts buy stamps? At the ghost office.

How do vampires get around on Hal oween? On blood vessels.

Why did the Headless Horseman get a job? He was trying to get ahead in life.

How can you tel when a vampire has been in a bakery?

Al the jel y has been sucked out of the jel y doughnuts.

What do ghosts wear when their eyesight gets blurred?

Spooktacles.

What can you catch from a vampire in winter? Frostbite.

What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires?

Fangs-giving!

Why didn’t the skeleton go to prom? He had no body to go with.

Who did the scary ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up!

What’s a zombie’s favorite cereal? Rice Creepies.

What’s it like being kissed by a vampire? It’s a pain in the neck.

Where do ghosts go on holidays? The Boohamas.

What sound do witches make when they eat cereal? Snap, Cackle

& Pop!

What did one ghost say to the other? Get a life!

Where do fashionable ghosts shop? Bootiques.

How do you know vampires love basebal ? They turn into bats every night.

Where do ghosts like to travel on vacation? The Dead Sea!

Why did the skeleton climb up the tree? Because a dog was after his bones!

What do skeletons fly around in? A scareplane or a skelecopter.

What did the fisherman say on Hal oween? Trick or trout.

What do you cal a fat pumpkin? A plumpkin.

Why are ghosts so bad at tel ing lies? Because you can see right through them.

Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Day-scare.

What did the bird say on Hal oween? Twick or tweet.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost as they drove down

the street? Buckle your sheet belt!

What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert? I scream.

What do you cal two witches sharing an apartment? Broommates.

What goes "Ha-ha-ha-ha!" right before a gigantic sounding crash and then keeps laughing? A monster laughing its head off!

How do ghosts search the Web? They use ghoul-gle.

What's a skeleton's favorite instrument? A sax-a-bone.

Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of al the coffin.

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.

How do you fix a damaged jack-o'lantern? You use a pumpkin patch!

Why didn't the zombie go to school? He felt rotten!

What has hundreds of ears but can't hear a thing? A cornfield!

What type of plates do skeletons like to use? Bone china.

What goes around a haunted house and never stops? A fence.

What did one thirsty vampire say to the other as they were passing the

Morgue? Let’s stop in for a cool one!

What is a vampire’s pet peeve? A Tourniquet!

Where do ghosts like to trick-ortreat? Dead ends.

Who do monsters buy cookies from? Ghoul scouts.

How does a vampire enter his house? Through the bat flap!

Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story? Because there are so many plots there!

Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles? Because they just had their brains scooped out!

Why are there fences around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.

What happened to the man who didn't pay his exorcist? The house was repossessed.

What did the girl horse dress up as for Hal oween? A night mare.

What Hal oween candy should you give trick-or-treaters if you want them to think you're rich? A 100 grand candy bar What do demons eat for breakfast? Deviled eggs.

What's the best way to get rid of a demon? Exorcise a lot.

Why did the werewolf go to the dressing room when he saw the ful Moon? He needed to change.

Where is the best place to party on Hal oween? The g-RAVE-yard.

What is a vampire's favorite fruit? A neck-tarine.

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep? Because of his coffin.

Why did the baby wrap itself in white cloth strips? It was just trying to be just like its mummy.

What do you cal a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us.

Why do ghosts like to hang out at bars? Because al of the Boos.

What do you cal a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us.

Why do ghosts hate when it rains on Hal oween? It dampens their spirits.

Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body.

Why do ghosts make the best cheerleaders? Because they have spirit.

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.

Knock, knock! Who's there? Bat. Bat who? Bat you don't know who's knocking!

Knock, knock! Who's there? Witch. Witch who? Gesundheit.

Knock, knock! Who's there? Twig. Twig who? Twig or tweat.

Knock, knock! Who's there? Howl. Howl who? Howl-ween is here!

What kind of monster is the best dancer? The boogieman.

What is a witch’s favorite class? Spel ing!

What do you cal a chicken that haunts your house? A poultrygeist.

Why do ghosts love going to Six Flaggs? Because they can ride lots of rol erGHOST-ers.

How do monsters like their eggs? Terror-fried.

Why didn’t the coffee bean go to the Hal oween party? Because it was grounded.

Who are the werewolf's cousins? The what-wolf and then when-wolf.

Why didn't the mummy have any friends? He was too wrapped up in himself.

Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? Because she had bad blood.

What is a ghost’s favorite meal? Spook-ghetti.

What do witches use on their hair? Scare-spray.

Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.

The maker of this product does not want it, the buyer does not use it,

and the user does not see it. What is it? A coffin.

What’s it cal ed when a vampire has trouble with his house? A grave problem.

Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? Because he has a Hal o-weenie.

What do female ghosts use to do their makeup? Vanishing Cream!

How do vampires start their letters? "Tomb it may concern..."

What is a recess at a mortuary cal ed? A Coffin Break!

The skeleton knew what would happen next -he could just feel it in his bones.

Where does Dracula keep his money? In a blood bank.

How do you get inside a locked cemetery at night? Use a Skeleton Key to unlock the gates!

Why are al of Superman's costumes tight? They’re al size S.

Why did the skeleton skip the prom? It had no body to go with.

Why don’t skeletons like the cold? It’s bone-chil ing.

What did the skeleton bring to the cookout? Spare ribs.

Why don’t skeletons skydive? They don’t have the stomach for it.

What’s a skeleton’s favorite musical instrument? The trom-bone.

What do you cal a skeleton that won’t do any work? Lazy bones.

How do skeletons start their cars? With skeleton keys.

Why did the skeleton put on a sweater? It was chil ed to the bone.

Why’d the skeleton go the grocery store? Its pantry was down to the bare bones.

Why did the skeleton laugh? Something tickled its funny bone.

What do skeleton dogs eat? Milk bones.

How do pumpkins mend a tear? With a pumpkin patch.

What’s a pumpkin’s favorite sport? Squash.

Why do pumpkins bar hop? To get smashed.

What’s a pumpkin’s favorite fruit? Orange.

How do little pumpkins cross the road? With the help of a crossing gourd.

What kind of pumpkins work at a pool? Life-gourds.

Why didn’t Cinderel a make the soccer team? Her coach was a pumpkin.

Who rules the pumpkin patch? The pump-king.

Why did the pumpkin go to jail? It had a bad seed.

What kind of canine do pumpkins prefer? Gourd-dogs.

How do pumpkins get paid? With pumpkin bread.

How do pumpkins quit smoking? They use a pumpkin patch.

What kind of music do zombies listen to? The Grateful Dead.

What do you cal identical zombie twins? Dead ringers.

Where do zombies live? On a dead end.

Why don’t zombies eat clowns? They taste funny.

What’s a zombie’s pick-up line? You’re drop-dead gorgeous.

Did you hear about the zombie recital? The performance knocked

‘em dead.

Why did the zombie get fired? It missed its dead-line.

Where should you hide if you’re being chased by zombies? The living room.

Did you hear about the zombie valedictorian? It was dead-icated to its studies.

Why did everyone leave the zombie party? It wasn’t very lively.

Why did the zombie lose the argument? It didn’t have a leg to stand on.

Did you hear about the zombie who bought a new car? It cost an arm and a leg.

What should you do if there’s a zombie attack? Play dead.

Why did the zombie take a nap? It was dead on its feet.

What kind of cars do zombies drive? Monster trucks.

What do zombies order at the deli? Knuckle sandwich.

Did you hear about the angry zombie? It got bent out of shape.

Jokes About Love

Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fruit aisle? It was a pear-fect match!

Why did the skeleton break up with his girlfriend? He didn't have the guts to ask her out!

Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.

Why did the man put his money in the blender? Because he wanted to make liquid assets!

What did the boy pickle say to the girl pickle? "You mean a great dil to me!"

What do you cal two birds in love? Tweethearts!

What did one volcano say to the other volcano? "I lava you!"

Why was the cel phone wearing glasses? Because it lost al its contacts!

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

What did one French fry say to the other French fry? "You're the salt to my pepper!"

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged!

What did one plate say to the other plate? "Lunch is on me!"

Why did the man break up with his calendar? Because it had too many dates!

What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine's Day? "I'm stuck on you!"

Why did the lettuce break up with the celery? It just wasn't her type!

What did one piece of toast say to the other piece of toast? "You're my butter half!"

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!

What did the hat say to the scarf? "You hang around, and I'l go on ahead!"

Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because it couldn't find a date!

What did one magnet say to the other magnet on Valentine's Day?

"I find you very attractive!"

Sports Jokes

Why did the footbal team go to the bank? To get their quarterback!

What did the footbal coach say to the broken vending machine?

"Give me my quarterback!"

Why did the basebal player go to jail? Because he stole second base!

Why was the basketbal court always wet? Because the players kept dribbling!

Why don't basketbal players go on vacation? They're afraid of travel!

Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score!

What do you cal a fish who plays basketbal ? A hoop fish!

Why was the basebal team so good at baking? Because they had the best batter!

Why don't basketbal players ever get lost? Because they always dribble!

Why was Cinderel a so bad at soccer? Because she kept running away from the bal !

What did the footbal coach say to the vending machine? "Give me my quarterback!"

Why was the footbal team so bad at hide-and-seek? Because they always found themselves in a tight end!

Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants? In case he got a hole-in-one!

Why did the basketbal player go to jail? Because he shot the bal !

Why did the footbal player cross the road? To get to the other sideline!

What did the footbal player say to the flight attendant? "Put me in coach!"

Why did the basketbal player go to the doctor? Because he had too many free throws!

Why was the basebal player a bad musician? Because he always struck out!

Why was the soccer player such a bad musician? Because he kept getting kicked out of the band!

Why was the footbal team so bad at hide and seek? Because they always found themselves in a tight end!

Why did the footbal player go to the bank? To get his quarterback!

School Jokes

Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems!

Why was the teacher cross-eyed? Because she couldn't control her pupils!

Why was the broom late to school? It overswept!

What's the king of al school supplies? The ruler!

Why was the music teacher always so good at solving problems?

Because she knew the score!

Why did the student bring a ladder to school? Because he wanted to go to high school!

Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!

Why was the history book so angry? Because it always had too many dates!

What do you do if a teacher rol s her eyes at you? Pick them up and rol them back!

Why was the teacher wearing sunglasses to class? Because her students were so bright!

Why did the teacher go to the beach? To test the water!

Why did the broom go to school? It wanted to be "sweepstakes"!

Why did the teacher write on the window? Because she wanted the lesson to be very clear!

Why did the student sit on the clock during class? Because he wanted to be on time!

Why did the teacher eat his lesson plan? Because he wanted to

"digest" the material!

Police Jokes

Why did the police arrest the duck? Because it was suspected of sel ing quack!

Why did the policeman go to bed? Because he wanted to catch up on his sleep!

Why did the police officer go to the basebal game? Because he heard someone had stolen second base!

Why did the police officer sit on the ladder? Because he wanted to be high on duty!

Why was the police officer so good at basketbal ? Because he always knew how to make a good steal!

Why did the police officer go to the party? Because he heard they were serving justice punch!

Why did the police officer bring a pencil to the interview? In case he needed to draw his weapon!

Why did the police officer bring a ladder to work? Because he wanted to climb the ranks!

Why did the police officer become a gardener? Because he wanted to plant evidence!

Why did the police officer bring a net to work? To catch criminals on the web!

Why did the police officer go to the basebal game alone? Because he heard it was a home run!

Why did the police officer bring a mirror to work? To reflect on his career choices!

Why did the police officer become a chef? Because he wanted to gril suspects!

Why did the police officer bring a pencil to the crime scene? In case he needed to draw a sketchy character!

Why did the police officer become a musician? Because he wanted to hit al the right notes!

Why did the police officer become a comedian? Because he wanted to crack jokes and cases!

Why did the police officer bring a map to work? In case he needed to track down suspects!

Why did the police officer become a pilot? Because he wanted to fly high in the pursuit of justice!

Why did the police officer become a baker? Because he wanted to make doughnuts al day!

Why did the police officer bring a ladder to the crime scene?

Because he wanted to take his investigation to the next level!

Jokes about parents

Why did mom bring a pencil to the meeting? In case she needed to draw some conclusions!

Why did the parents bring a map to the zoo? Because they heard it was a maze-ing!

Why did mom bring a mirror to the party? To reflect on her good parenting skil s!

Why did dad become a musician? Because he wanted to be in tune with his kids!

Why did the parents bring a net to the beach? To catch some waves!

Why did mom bring a ladder to the grocery store? Because she heard the prices were sky-high!

Why did dad become a gardener? Because he wanted to grow up with his kids!

Why did the parents bring a map to the amusement park?

Because they heard it was a rol er-coaster of emotions!

Why did mom bring a mirror to the playground? To reflect on her child-rearing techniques!

Why did dad bring a pencil to the concert? In case he needed to take note of the good performances!

Why did the parents bring a ladder to the movie theater? Because they heard the plot was reaching new heights!

Why did mom become a chef? Because she wanted to cook up some family memories!

Why did dad bring a net to the camping trip? To catch some fish and family time!

Why did the parents bring a map to the school play? Because they heard it was a drama-fil ed event!

Why did mom bring a mirror to the game night? To reflect on her winning strategies!

Why did dad become a magician? Because he wanted to make his kids disappear... just kidding!

Why did the parents bring a ladder to the picnic? Because they heard the food was out of reach!

Why did mom become a detective? Because she wanted to solve the mystery of who left the dishes in the sink!

Why did dad bring a net to the barbecue? To catch some gril marks!

Why did the parents bring a map to the birthday party? Because they heard it was a maze of presents!

Why did mom bring a mirror to the family reunion? To reflect on her family's good genes!

Why did the parents bring a ladder to the beach? Because they heard the tide was high!

Why did mom become a painter? Because she wanted to brush up on her parenting skil s!

Why did dad bring a net to the concert? To catch some good vibes!

Why did the parents bring a map to the road trip? Because they heard it was a journey of discovery!

Why did mom become a scientist? Because she wanted to experiment with different parenting techniques!

Why did dad bring a ladder to the soccer game? Because he heard the stakes were high!

Why did the parents bring a net to the family reunion? To catch up with relatives!

Why did mom become a pilot? Because she wanted to soar to new heights with her kids!

Why did dad bring a ladder to the beach? Because he heard the waves were high!

Why did the parents bring a map to the camping trip? Because they heard it was a trail of fun!

Why did mom become a writer? Because she wanted to pen down her parenting adventures!

Why did dad bring a net to the barbecue? To catch some good eats!

Why did the parents bring a ladder to the amusement park?

Because they heard it was a ride to the top!

Why did mom become a doctor? Because she wanted to heal her kids' boo-boos!

Why did dad bring a mirror to the basebal game? To reflect on his son's home runs!

Why did the parents bring a map to the museum? Because they heard it was a journey through history!

Why did dad bring a ladder to the zoo? Because he heard the animals were climbing!

Why did the parents bring a net to the park? To catch some quality time with their kids!

Why did mom become an astronaut? Because she wanted to explore the universe with her kids!

Why did dad bring a mirror to the soccer game? To reflect on his daughter's goals!

Why did the parents bring a map to the pool? Because they heard it was a deep dive into fun!

Why did dad bring a net to the carnival? To catch some prizes for his kids!

Why did the parents bring a ladder to the playground? Because they heard the slides were high!

Why did mom become a magician? Because she wanted to make her kids' dreams come true!

Why did dad bring a mirror to the beach? To reflect on his family's sunny smiles!

Bar jokes

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything, even the bar!

Why was the bartender always so good at math? Because he knew how to handle the spirits!

Why did the wine glass go to therapy? It had too many issues to pour out!

Why did the beer go to the party alone? Because it wanted to be the life of the bottle!

Why did the bartender become a gardener? Because he wanted to grow up with his drinks!

Why did the martini go to the doctor? It had too many olives and needed an olive-ectomy!

Why did the bartender quit his job? He just couldn't handle the pressure!

Why did the beer file a police report? It got mugged!

Why did the whiskey go to the gym? To get a little more "spirited"!

Why did the rum go to the party alone? Because it didn't want to share the limelight!

Why did the vodka get pul ed over? It was over the proof limit!

Why did the beer bring a ladder to the bar? Because it heard the drinks were on the house!

Why did the bartender bring a broom to work? Because he wanted to sweep the patrons off their feet!

Why did the wine get invited to al the parties? Because it always knew how to break the ice!

Why did the beer bring a map to the party? Because it heard there was going to be a beer run!

Why did the bartender break up with his blender? It just couldn't handle the crush!

Why did the tequila go to the beach? Because it heard the ocean had a lot of shots!

Why did the rum refuse to leave the bar? Because it was stuck on island time!

Why did the beer bring a net to the party? In case it needed to catch a buzz!

Why did the martini go to therapy? It had too many olives and needed to let it al out!

Why did the beer get pul ed over? It was over the proof limit!

Why did the wine bring a ladder to the party? Because it wanted to be on top of the world!

Why did the bartender always so good at math? Because he knew how to handle the spirits!

Jokes about taxi drivers

Why did the taxi driver break up with his GPS? Because it kept giving him directions, but he stil lost his way!

Why did the taxi driver keep a pil ow in his cab? For the passengers who needed a "dream" ride!

Why did the taxi driver get a job at the bakery? Because he heard they kneaded the dough!

Why did the taxi driver become a comedian? Because he wanted to drive people to laughter!

Why did the taxi driver bring a map to the race? Because he wanted to take a detour!

Why did the taxi driver bring a ladder to work? In case he needed to reach the high fares!

Why did the taxi driver go to the doctor? Because he was feeling cab-solutely exhausted!

Why did the taxi driver become a musician? Because he loved driving to the rhythm of the beat!

Why did the taxi driver always carry a rope in his cab? In case he needed to "tie" up loose ends!

Why did the taxi driver bring a net to work? To catch any "fare"

evaders!

Why did the taxi driver bring a pencil to the cab? In case he needed to "draw" a route!

Why did the taxi driver become a gardener? Because he wanted to grow his fares!

Why did the taxi driver bring a map to the party? Because he heard there was going to be a lot of "destination" dancing!

Why did the taxi driver become a chef? Because he wanted to cook up some traffic-stopping meals!

Why did the taxi driver become a detective? Because he loved solving "fare" mysteries!

Why did the taxi driver always have a smile on his face? Because he knew how to "drive" people happy!

Why did the taxi driver bring a ladder to work? Because he heard the fares were going up!

Why did the taxi driver become a pilot? Because he wanted to take his passengers to new heights!

Why did the taxi driver bring a map to the beach? In case he needed to navigate the sandy streets!

Why did the taxi driver become a teacher? Because he wanted to educate his passengers on the best routes!

Why did the taxi driver bring a rope to work? In case he needed to

"lasso" some customers!

Why did the taxi driver become a comedian? Because he loved driving people to laughter!

Why did the taxi driver bring a ladder to the movie theater?

Because he heard the tickets were sky-high!

Why did the taxi driver become a musician? Because he wanted to hit al the right notes with his passengers!

Why did the taxi driver bring a net to work? To catch any "fares"

that fel through!

Why did the taxi driver become a chef? Because he wanted to cook up some fare-ocious meals!

Why did the taxi driver bring a map to the basebal game?

Because he wanted to make sure he hit a "home run" with his routes!

Jokes About Marriage

Why did the married man bring a ladder to the wedding? He heard marriage is al about reaching new heights!

I used to be single, but then I got married. Now I'm "singularly"

focused on making puns about it.

Being single is like a breeze – you can come and go as you please. Marriage is more like a tornado – it sweeps you off your feet!

Why did the single guy bring a map to the party? He heard there would be a lot of "unexplored territories"!

My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, al you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you're looking for a club and a spade!

Why did the married man start a band? Because he wanted to serenade his wife with endless "honey" tunes!

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with. She said,

"Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights."

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.

Marriage is like a movie. Starts with a lot of action, then becomes a drama, and eventual y, you're just watching the same old reruns.

My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

Why don't married couples need to play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding when you're always being sought after!

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

I told my wife she should embrace her curves. She asked if I meant physical y or emotional y.

Why don't married couples need a GPS? Because they're always on the same path: the one leading to the grocery store.

My wife says I'm hopeless at fixing appliances. Wel , she's in for a shock.

Why did the single guy join a dance class? He heard it was a great way to "partner search"!

Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.

Marriage is like a phone cal in the middle of the night: first comes the ring, and then you wake up.

Why did the married man start col ecting stamps? He heard marriage is al about sticking together!

Why did the single guy become a referee? He wanted to blow the whistle on al the "relationship fouls"!

Marriage is like a puzzle. Sometimes you have to force the pieces together to make it work.

Why did the married man open a bakery? He wanted to knead the dough and rise to the occasion!

Why did the single guy become a magician? He heard you can make "relationship problems" disappear with the right tricks!

Marriage is like a game of chess. The queen always protects the king, but the bishop is the one who moves diagonal y.

Why did the married man become a comedian? He figured laughter was the best way to survive marriage!

Why did the single guy start a garden? He heard it was a great way to "plant the seeds" for a future relationship!

Marriage is like a library book. You have to renew it every now and then, or someone else wil check it out.

Why did the married man join a choir? He wanted to harmonize with his wife and hit al the right notes in their relationship!

Why did the single guy start a band? He heard music was the universal language of love, and he was ready to serenade his future partner!

Marriage is more like a bestsel ing novel – fil ed with twists and turns you never saw coming!

Why did the single guy become a pilot? He heard you can "take off" to new heights when you're flying solo!

Why did the single guy become a chef? He heard you can "whisk"

yourself away to a new romance through the magic of cooking!

Why did the married man start a book club? He wanted to curl up with his wife and get lost in the pages of their shared love story!

Artist Jokes

What did the painter say to the canvas? "I've got you covered!"

Why did the guitarist go to jail? Because he got caught fingering the wrong strings!

How does a sculptor make a good impression? By leaving no stone unturned!

Why was the opera singer so good at tennis? Because she had a great serve!

What's a musician's favorite type of meal? A "pitch"er-perfect one!

Why did the music teacher go to jail? Because he got caught with too many "sharp" objects!

Why did the artist get into a fight? Because he had a brush with danger!

Why did the composer break up with his girlfriend? Because she kept changing the "key" to his heart!

What did the guitar say to the musician? "You strum me the right way!"

Why did the sculptor become a gardener? Because he wanted to

"plant" new ideas!

What do you cal a musician who's also a surgeon? A "band-aid"

specialist!

Why did the artist go to jail? Because he couldn't resist "drawing"

attention to himself!

Why did the composer always carry a pencil? To make sure he didn't "miss a beat"!

Why did the guitar teacher go to jail? Because he couldn't stop fretting about his problems!

Why did the artist bring a ladder to the art show? To reach new heights of creativity!

Why did the musician refuse to play cards? Because he didn't want to "deal" with it!

What's a painter's favorite dessert? A palette cleanser!

Why did the musician get into a fight with his piano? Because it kept hitting the wrong notes!

What's a sculptor's favorite movie genre? Action-packed thril ers!

Why did the composer break up with his girlfriend? Because she was always "flat"!

Why did the artist paint only with his left hand? Because he wanted to "draw" attention to his ambidextrous skil s!

Why did the guitarist refuse to share his food? Because he didn't want anyone "picking" at it!

What do you cal a musical vegetable? A "tuber"!

Why did the artist become a detective? Because he wanted to uncover the mysteries of his own artwork!

What did the pianist say to the door? "Key please!"

Why did the conductor go to jail? Because he was caught

"orchestrating" a crime!

What's a sculptor's favorite holiday? Carve-lentine's Day!

Why did the artist refuse to paint portraits? Because he thought they were too "drawn" out!

What did the artist say to the sandwich? "I hope you're not too

'sketchy'!"

Why did the composer become a gardener? Because he wanted to grow his own "beats"!

What's a painter's favorite type of math? Canvas-trigonometry!

Why did the guitarist go to jail? Because he couldn't handle the

"bar" chords!

What did the artist say to the banana? "You're a-peeling!"

Why did the composer go to jail? Because he was caught

"harmonizing" with criminals!

What's a sculptor's favorite place to visit? The marble museum!

Why did the musician get into a fight with his drums? Because they kept "banging" on about the same things!

What do you cal a painter's mistake? A "brush" with disaster!

Why did the guitarist become a chef? Because he wanted to

"strum" up some new recipes!

What's a musician's favorite type of sandwich? A "tuna"!

Why did the artist become a farmer? Because he wanted to

"cultivate" his creativity!

What's a composer's favorite type of car? A "note"-worthy one!

Why did the sculptor break up with his girlfriend? Because she said his work was too "statue"-sque!

What's a painter's favorite type of fruit? A "stil life"!

Why did the composer go to jail? Because he was caught

"stealing" someone else's melody!

What's a sculptor's favorite type of pasta? Penne-cil!

What did the musician say to the vacuum cleaner? "You suck!"

Why did the artist go to jail? Because he couldn't draw the line between right and wrong!

Why did the sculptor become a dentist? Because he wanted to

"mold" smiles!

Why did the musician go to jail? Because he was caught "playing"

with sharp objects!

What's a painter's favorite type of joke? A "canvas"-ation!

Why did the composer go to jail? Because he was caught

"conducting" himself improperly!

What did the artist say to the mirror? "You reflect me!"

Why did the guitarist go to jail? Because he was caught "picking"

fights with other musicians!

Why did the artist become a baker? Because he wanted to "knead"

a new career!

What did the musician say to the clock? "You're always ticking me off!"

Why did the composer go to jail? Because he was caught

"harmonizing" with the wrong crowd!

Why did the musician go to jail? Because he was caught "tuning"

into il egal frequencies!

Why did the artist become a fisherman? Because he wanted to

"reel" in some inspiration!

What did the painter say to the watermelon? "You're one in a melon!"

What's a composer's favorite type of pet? A "harmony" dog!

What's a painter's favorite type of joke? A "brush" with humor!

What's a composer's favorite type of pasta? Baroque-oli!

Why did the painter go to jail? Because he was caught "brushing"

up against the law!

What did the artist say to the vacuum cleaner? "You suck!"

What's a sculptor's favorite type of joke? "Mold"-y ones!

Scientist Jokes

Why did the physics book go to therapy? It had too many issues!

Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems!

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'l stop at nothing to avoid them!

Why did the biologist break up with the neurologist? There was no chemistry!

Why did the chemist go to the beach? To surf the periodic table!

Why did the electron cross the road? To avoid the ground state!

Why was the microbiologist always calm? Because he had a good cel -fie!

Why did the geologist break up with his girlfriend? She took him for granite!

Why did the biologist wear glasses in the lab? Because he couldn't see without his "cel "fies!

Why did the physicist bring a ladder to work? Because he heard the stakes were high!

Why did the biologist become a comedian? Because he had a great sense of "humus"!

Why did the chemist break up with his girlfriend? He felt there was no "bond" between them!

Why did the mathematician refuse to play hide and seek? Because he knew he'd always find himself!

Why did the scientist bring a map to the lab? Because he heard it was a maze of discoveries!

Why did the chemist go to school? Because he wanted to learn how to "mix" things up!

Why did the biologist become a gardener? Because he wanted to

"plant" new ideas!

Why did the physicist become a musician? Because he wanted to conduct some experiments!

Why did the biologist become a politician? Because he wanted to campaign for "cel "fie rights!

Why did the mathematician refuse to share his pizza? Because he wanted to keep it al to himself!

Why did the chemist become a gardener? Because he wanted to

"grow" his own solutions!

Why did the physicist go to the beach? To study the "wave"

patterns!

Why did the mathematician become a baker? Because he wanted to make "pi"!

Why did the chemist go to therapy? Because he had too many

"reactions"!

Why did the biologist become a teacher? Because he wanted to

"cultivate" young minds!

Why did the physicist bring a mirror to the lecture? To reflect on his theories!

Why did the mathematician bring a ladder to the footbal game?

Because he heard the odds were stacked against him!

Why did the chemist become a musician? Because he wanted to compose some "elemental" tunes!

Why did the biologist become a comedian? Because he had a great sense of "biological" humor!

Why did the mathematician bring a map to the party? In case he needed to find the "right angle"!

Why did the chemist become a gardener? Because he wanted to

"synthesize" his own fertilizer!

Why did the biologist bring a ladder to the concert? To get a better

"view" of the cel s!

Why did the physicist become a chef? Because he wanted to experiment with "quantum" cuisine!

Why did the mathematician bring a net to the beach? To catch some "sine" waves!

Why did the chemist become a musician? Because he wanted to

"bond" with his audience!

Why did the biologist bring a ladder to the picnic? In case he needed to "climb" the food chain!

Why did the physicist bring a mirror to the party? To reflect on the

"laws" of attraction!

Why did the mathematician become a gardener? Because he wanted to cultivate his "roots"!

Why did the chemist bring a ladder to the game night? In case he needed to "rise" to the occasion!

Why did the biologist become a comedian? Because he had a great sense of "genetic" humor!

Why did the physicist bring a net to the soccer game? To catch any

"gravity" defying moves!

Why did the mathematician bring a ladder to the zoo? In case he needed to "climb" the animal kingdom!

Why did the chemist become a teacher? Because he wanted to

"bond" with his students!

Why did the biologist bring a ladder to the science fair? To reach new "heights" of discovery!

Why did the physicist bring a mirror to the lecture? To reflect on the

"theory of relativity"!

Why did the mathematician bring a net to the camping trip? To catch some "prime" camping spots!

Why did the chemist become a comedian? Because he had a great sense of "chemical" reactions!

Why did the biologist bring a ladder to the zoo? In case he needed to "scale" the animal kingdom!

Why did the physicist bring a mirror to the beach? To reflect on the

"waves" of the ocean!

Why did the mathematician become a gardener? Because he wanted to "cultivate" his own solutions!

Why did the chemist bring a ladder to the concert? To get a better

"reaction" from the crowd!

Why did the biologist bring a ladder to the museum? In case he needed to "climb" the evolutionary ladder!

Why did the physicist become a musician? Because he wanted to create some "sonic" booms!

Why did the mathematician bring a net to the library? To catch up on some "book" worms!

Why did the chemist become a painter? Because he wanted to

"molecule" his own colors!

Why did the biologist bring a ladder to the lecture? In case he needed to "climb" the tree of knowledge!

Why did the physicist become a comedian? Because he had a great sense of "quantum" humor!

Why did the mathematician bring a net to the birthday party? To catch some "prime" numbers!

Why did the chemist become a photographer? Because he wanted to "capture" reactions!

Why did the biologist bring a ladder to the park? In case he needed to "climb" the food chain!

Why did the physicist become a painter? Because he wanted to

"draw" some new theories!

Why did the mathematician bring a net to the picnic? To catch some "fraction" of the fun!

Why did the chemist become a sculptor? Because he wanted to

"mold" his own elements!

Why did the physicist become a chef? Because he wanted to experiment with "thermal" dynamics!

Why did the physicist become a musician? Because he wanted to

"harmonize" with the universe!

Why did the mathematician bring a net to the party? To catch some

"algorithms"!

Why did the chemist become a filmmaker? Because he wanted to

"mix" his own elements of storytel ing!

Why did the physicist become a sculptor? Because he wanted to

"shape" new theories!

Why did the chemist become a poet? Because he wanted to

"bond" with his emotions!

Why did the mathematician bring a net to the beach? To catch some "complex" waves!

Why did the physicist become a painter? Because he wanted to

"brush" up on his theories!

Why did the mathematician bring a net to the library? To catch some "abstract" concepts!

Animal Jokes

Why did the lion break up with his lioness girlfriend? Because she was a cheetah!

What do you cal a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!

How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut!

Why did the zebra get a ticket? Because he was caught in a striped zone!

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a polar bear?

Frostbite!

Why did the elephant bring a suitcase to the jungle? Because he wanted to pack his trunk!

What do you cal a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato!

Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!

What do you cal a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus!

Why don't lions like fast food? Because they can't catch it!

Why did the tiger wear stripes? Because spots are too mainstream!

What do you cal a bear that's in the rain? A drizzly bear!

Why don't snakes have friends? Because they're just too hiss-terious!

Why did the cheetah break up with his girlfriend? She was always racing around!

What did the leopard say after eating his prey? That hit the spot!

What's a frog's favorite candy? Lol ihops!

Why did the goril a go to the doctor? Because he was feeling a little "ape"y!

Why did the koala fal out of the tree? Because it was dead!

Why don't elephants use computers? They're afraid of the mouse!

What do you cal a bear that's stuck in the rain? A soggy bear!

What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a sheep? A wool y jumper!

Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the Shel station!

Why did the crocodile go to the dentist? To improve his "croc"-ed smile!

What's a snake's favorite subject? Hiss-tory!

Why did the bear wear socks? Because he had bear feet!

What's a frog's favorite game? Croak-et!

Why don't oysters donate to charity? Because they're shel fish!

What's a giraffe's favorite fruit? Neck-tarines!

Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get tweet-ment!

What's a tiger's favorite dessert? Stripe of pie!

Why did the cow go to outer space? To visit the Milky Way!

What did the l ama say to the alpaca? "Quit spitting and let's go party!"

Why did the kangaroo stop hopping? Because it ran out of bounce!

What's a zebra's favorite game? Hide and stripe!

Why did the fish blush? Because it saw the ocean's bottom!

What do you cal a rhino with no manners? Uncouth-orn!

What's a lion's favorite movie? The Mane Event!

What's a bear's favorite drink? Koka-Koala!

Why don't bears ever get lost? Because they always know

"bear"ing!

What do you cal a grizzly with a glass eye? An eye-patchy bear!

Why did the snake shed its skin? It wanted to feel more

"reptile-able"!

What's a goril a's favorite song? "Banana Boat" by Harry Belafonte!

Why don't elephants ever use computers? Because they're afraid of the mouse!

What did the koala say to the tree? "Eucalyptus ever stop and think about how much I love you?"

Why did the squirrel run in front of the car? Because it wanted to crack a few nuts!

What do you cal a polar bear in the desert? Lost!

Why don't sharks like fast food? Because they can't catch it!

Why don't lions like to play cards? Because there are too many cheetahs!

What do you cal a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer!

Why did the tiger bring a ladder to the zoo? Because he heard the giraffes were looking down on him!

What do you cal a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long? A PI-thon!

Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry!

What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and quackers!

What do you cal a camel without a hump? Humphrey!

Why was the dolphin's homework al wet? Because it was doing it underwater!

Why did the elephant sit on the marshmal ow? Because he wanted to squish it into a peanut!

What do you cal a bear that's caught in the rain? A drizzly bear!

Why did the kangaroo bring a parasol to the party? Because he heard it

was hopping hot!

What do you cal a snake who works for the government? A civil serpent!

Why don't anteaters ever get sick? Because they're ful of antibodies!

What's a bear's favorite book? The Jungle Book!

Why did the owl invite everyone to his party? Because he didn't want to be owl by himself!

What's a penguin's favorite relative? Aunt-Arctica!

Why was the baby seal always happy? Because it was always playing "seal"ful!

What's a frog's favorite drink? Croak-a-Cola!

What do you cal a snake with a great singing voice? A boa singer!

Why did the elephant bring a suitcase to the zoo? Because he wanted to pack his trunk!

What do you get when you cross a goril a and a monkey? A real y hairy monkey!

Why did the giraffe break up with his girlfriend? She was too high-maintenance!

What do you cal a goril a wearing headphones? Anything you want, he can't hear you!

What's a bear's favorite fruit? Bearies!

What did the baby elephant say to its mom when she was in a hurry? "Don't be so mammoth-ious!"

What do you cal a polar bear with earmuffs? Anything you want, it can't hear you!

Why was the tiger always so good at math? Because he was great at tiger-onometry!

What do you cal a lion who loves to bowl? A strike predator!

What's a fish's favorite TV show? Whale of Fortune!

Why did the porcupine cross the road? To prove it wasn't chicken!

Why don't sharks ever catch colds? Because they always get enough vitamin sea!

What's a bear's favorite mode of transportation? Bear-foot!

Why did the crocodile sit on the clock? Because he wanted to be a time-cruncher!

What's a wolf's favorite dessert? Moon pies!

Why was the kangaroo always so sad? Because he had a marsupial personality!

Why don't al igators ever use GPS? Because they're experts at navigating by instinct!

What's a goril a's favorite fruit? Ape-ricots!

Why was the ant so good at solving crimes? Because it had a lot of insect-tuition!

Space jokes

Why did the sun go to school? To get a little brighter!

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? Because he needed space!

How do you throw a space party? You planet!

Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems!

What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder!

Why did the cow go to space? To see the moooon!

What did the astronaut say to the sneezy star? "Bless you-niverse!"

Why did the comet break up with its girlfriend? It was too much of a "shooting" star!

Why don't astronauts play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding in space!

What did one astronaut say to the other before takeoff? "Let's rocket!"

Why was the moon always bald? Because it had no "hair"-izon!

What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer? The space bar!

Why did the astronaut break up with his spaceship? It was taking him for a ride!

What's an alien's favorite day of the week? Saturnday!

What kind of songs do planets sing? Nep-tunes!

Why was the space pirate such a good storytel er? Because he had a galaxy of tales!

What do you cal a smart alien? An egg-head!

Why was the astronaut always calm? He kept himself grounded!

Why did the astronaut break up with his telescope? He saw right through it!

Why did the sun go to therapy? Because it had too many flare-ups!

What do you cal an alien with three eyes? An ali ien!

Why don't aliens play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding in outer space!

Why don't aliens eat clowns? Because they taste funny!

Why was the astronaut so good at fixing things? He always knew how to "space" them out!

What did the astronaut say when he crashed his spaceship? "I Apol o-gize!"

What did one planet say to the other? "You have a lot of atmosphere!"

Why did the comet break up with its girlfriend? She was too distant!

Why don't aliens eat fast food? Because they prefer flying saucers!

What's an astronaut's favorite drink? Gravi-tea!

Why don't astronauts get lost in space? Because they always know where they are!

What's an alien's favorite cereal? Flying saucers!

Why did the asteroid go to school? To get a little meteor!

Why was the astronaut always so happy? He had a stel ar personality!

What did one planet say to the other planet that was acting strange? "You're out of this world!"

Why don't astronauts make good comedians? Because their jokes are always too spaced out!

Why was the astronaut so good at gardening? He had a green thumb... and some red, yel ow, and blue ones too!

Why did the alien bring a ladder to the party? Because he wanted to be a little more grounded!

What did one asteroid say to the other asteroid? "You're a rock star!"

Why did the astronaut always carry a pencil in space? In case he needed to draw a space station!

What did the astronaut say to the moon? "You're just a phase!"

Why don't astronauts like to tel jokes on the moon? Because there's no atmosphere!

Why did the astronaut break up with his GPS? It kept tel ing him to make a U-turn... in space!

What's an astronaut's favorite candy? Mars-bars!

Why was the astronaut always so good at jokes? Because he knew how to land them!

What do you cal an alien that's real y good at math? An alge-bra-ian!

Travel jokes

Why don't skeletons ever go on vacation? Because they don't have the guts!

I told my suitcase there would be no room for emotional baggage on this trip. It stil tried to sneak in.

Why did the passport go to therapy? It had too many issues with identity!

I tried to book a trip to Hawai , but it was al booked up. I guess I'l have to surf the web instead!

Why don't mathematicians ever go on vacation? Because they always get to plane!

I went on a vacation to the land of brakes. It was a real trip-stopper!

Why did the traveler bring a ladder to the airport? Because they heard the prices were sky-high!

Why did the travel agent go broke? They kept losing their "cents"

on every trip!

I asked the map if it knew where I was going. It said, "You're going to get lost."

Why did the suitcase break up with the backpack? It couldn't handle the baggage!

I'm going on a vacation to the land of backwards. I've heard it's a great place to "retreat"!

Why did the airplane break up with the airport? It needed some

"space"!

I'm not a fan of airport security. They always give me a pat-down, but never a pat on the back!

Why did the traveler bring a broom on vacation? They wanted to sweep the sights!

I asked the travel agent if they could book me a flight to Mars.

They said, "Sorry, we're overbooked!"

Why did the suitcase go to school? It wanted to learn how to pack properly!

I went on a vacation to the ocean, but al I got was watered-down memories!

Why did the traveler bring a fishing rod on vacation? They heard the hotel had a "reel" good view!

I went on a vacation to the land of puns. It was a real trip down

"lame"!

Why did the map break up with the compass? It said their relationship was going in circles!

I asked the GPS if it knew the way. It said, "Turn left. No, wait, turn right. Actual y, just figure it out yourself."

Why did the traveler bring a pil ow on vacation? They wanted to

"rest" easy!

I asked the travel agent if they had any deals to the moon. They said, "No, but we have some stel ar packages!"

Why did the airplane break up with the runway? It said their relationship was going nowhere!

I tried to take a selfie with the Eiffel Tower, but it was too "towering"

to fit in the frame!

Why did the traveler bring a magnet on vacation? They wanted to attract good vibes!

I went on a vacation to the land of exaggeration. It was the best trip ever, no exaggeration!

Why did the suitcase go to the doctor? It had a case of the travel bugs!

I asked the travel agent if they had any deals to the center of the Earth. They said, "Sure, but it's a bit of a hot spot!"

Why did the airplane bring a parachute on vacation? Just in case it needed to "bail"!

I tried to book a trip to the sun, but it was too "bright" for my budget!

Why did the traveler bring a dictionary on vacation? They wanted to expand their "horizon"!

I went on a vacation to the land of déjà vu. It felt like I'd been there before!

Why did the passport go to the gym? It wanted to work on its stamps!

I asked the travel agent if they had any deals to the Bermuda Triangle. They said, "Sure, but it might be a disappearing act!"

Why did the suitcase break up with the backpack? It said their relationship was too "baggage-heavy"!

I tried to book a trip to the center of the Earth, but it was a bit

"underground" for my taste!

Why did the traveler bring a map to the beach? They wanted to

"shore" up their navigation skil s!

I went on a vacation to the land of knock-knock jokes. It was a real

"door-opener"!

Why did the airplane break up with the clouds? It said their relationship was too "airy"!

I asked the travel agent if they had any deals to the North Pole.

They said, "Sorry, but our prices are a bit frosty!"

Why did the traveler bring a plant on vacation? They wanted to

"branch" out!

I went on a vacation to the land of broken dreams. It was a real trip

"downer"!

Why did the suitcase go to the therapist? It had separation anxiety!

I tried to book a trip to the past, but al the flights were grounded!

Why did the traveler bring a hammock on vacation? They wanted to hang loose!

I asked the travel agent if they had any deals to the lost city of Atlantis. They said, "Sure, but it might be a bit of a dive!"

I went on a vacation to the land of broken promises. It wasn't what I expected, but hey, that's travel for you!

Why did the suitcase break up with the backpack? It said their relationship was too "packed" with problems!

I tried to book a trip to the land of chocolate, but it was too sweet for my budget!

Why did the traveler bring a mirror on vacation? They wanted to reflect on their journey!

I went on a vacation to the land of lost luggage. It was a real baggage claim!

I tried to book a trip to the land of the midnight sun, but it was too bright for my liking!

Why did the traveler bring a shovel on vacation? They wanted to dig deep into the local culture!

I went on a vacation to the land of forgotten souvenirs. It was a trip down memory lane!

I tried to book a trip to the land of eternal youth, but it was too immature for my taste!

Why did the traveler bring a flashlight on vacation? They wanted to shine a light on their adventures!

I went on a vacation to the land of endless lines. It was a real waiting game!

I tried to book a trip to the land of giant vegetables, but it was too much of a squash!

Why did the traveler bring a magnifying glass on vacation? They wanted to take a closer look at the sights!

I went on a vacation to the land of misplaced keys. It was a real lockout!

I tried to book a trip to the land of floating cities, but it was too much of a floatil a!

Why did the traveler bring a compass on vacation? They wanted to find their way back to reality!

I went on a vacation to the land of endless queues. It was a real waiting game!

I tried to book a trip to the land of flying pigs, but it was too far-fetched!

Why did the traveler bring a map on vacation? They wanted to explore uncharted territory!

I went on a vacation to the land of misplaced socks. It was a real laundry day!

I tried to book a trip to the land of endless summers, but it was too hot to handle!

Why did the traveler bring a diary on vacation? They wanted to document their adventures for posterity!

I went on a vacation to the land of missing plugs. It was a real power outage!

I tried to book a trip to the land of perpetual motion, but it was too exhausting!

Why did the traveler bring a telescope on vacation? They wanted to stargaze from their hotel balcony!

I went on a vacation to the land of forgotten phone chargers. It was a real battery drain!

I tried to book a trip to the land of endless buffets, but it was too much of a feast!

Why did the traveler bring a compass on vacation? They wanted to navigate their way through unfamiliar territory!

I went on a vacation to the land of misplaced sunglasses. It was a real shady place!

I tried to book a trip to the land of perpetual spring, but it was too much of a season!